2005 in review

Well, it’s that time again. Another year has passed, and I'm going to do my best to capture the essence of my life in something shorter than the length of a novella. It’s been an eventful year, though mostly not in a pleasant way. So, I'll do my best not to be too dour about it.

As always, I’d like to hear about you, too. What’s up with you? What has changed? What are your challenges? What opportunities are in your life? What has touched you? Surely your story is at least as interesting as mine is.

And now, here we go into a year in the life of Michael ….

RELATIONSHIP WITH ANTOINETTE:
Antoinette and I broke up in September. I love her very much, and we just couldn’t get along with each other. All along I’ve known that we have very different beliefs, values, and ideals, but, because we did love each other, we tried to make our relationship work anyway. I feel sad about it, and it was finally time to give up. I have nothing negative to say about her. She’s a wonderful woman, and I wish her all the best life has to offer. I hope she finds a man very soon who will be more compatible with her than I am, who will give her everything she wants, and who will love her deeply and passionately, as she deserves.

I'm hoping that we’ll be able to continue to be friends. That part of our relationship worked. We shall see if she wants that.

I am enormously grateful to Antoinette for everything she gave me, for all the wonderful experiences we had together, for all the support she gave me with my health problems, and for so much more. She made a huge difference in my life. Thank you thousands of times for everything, Antoinette.

HEALTH:
First, the good news. My prostate has shrunk, and it doesn’t seem to be a problem any longer as long as I keep taking my medication.

And the bad news. After months of thinking I was having toothaches and having lots of dental work, I was finally diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia (http://www.tna-support.org), a neurological condition with a facial nerve that causes “the most painful affliction known to medical science.” It’s a chronic condition. I’ve started medication for it that dulls the worst of the pain, but I'm still in pain nearly all the time, sometimes worse than others. It’s interfering with nearly everything in my life from talking to eating to working to sleeping.

On top of that, the medication I'm taking often causes depression, and I'm finding myself feeling more and more depressed. I may have to begin taking an antidepressant to help with that. Most people with TN do take antidepressants. It’s known as the “suicide disease” because so many people who have it either commit suicide or at least consider it.

At this point I'm considering the possibility that I may need to go on disability because of the TN. Everything I do requires me to talk, and sometimes talking is so painful that I can’t do it. Besides, I need to completely stop everything because of the pain sometimes, and now my depression is keeping me from doing what I need to do. I prefer not to be on disability, and there may be no other viable option. Does anyone know of any jobs that don’t require me to talk and that will allow me to stop whenever I need to because of pain?

Through all of this, many of you have supported me with positive thoughts, prayer, kindness, encouragement, alternative healing practices, and suggestions. Some of you have helped me with money when I couldn’t work. Thank you all again (and again and again).

WORK:
Work has been both a challenge and a thrill this year. Between mid-December and mid-April I was so badly in pain from the TN that I couldn’t work most of the time. I had meant to begin substitute teaching in January right after the holidays last year. Instead, I didn’t begin until May shortly before the end of the school year.

Because of the pain, I also stopped doing my spiritual movie nights and groups, and I didn’t begin all the other programs I had been planning. I can’t describe to you how much in pain I was.

I did push through the pain and worked 6 or 7 days between January and April, but I was in severe pain a lot of the time.

One of the reasons I did work, and part of the thrill for me, was that I was called to act in “Into the West,” a 6-part mini-series produced by TNT and Executive Produced by Steven Spielberg. I had gone to a casting call in December and had just about given up on it when I was called in late January. I worked several days in episode 4, and I absolutely loved it. I worked with a number of stars. Most of my best work was cut out of the film, but I can point myself out.

Then in April I was called again to work in episode 6. I'm even more visible in that episode, though mostly from the back. By that time my pain had disappeared, so it was a much more pleasant experience.

In June I was called for another film, “Bordertown” starring Jennifer Lopez, Antonio Banderas, and Martin Sheen. I worked a couple of very long days with Jennifer and Martin. Antonio wasn’t in those scenes. I hear that it’s coming out in January, 2006. Look for me in the newsroom scenes in Chicago. I pass right by Jennifer and Martin in one scene. In another Jennifer nearly throws a computer in my lap. I did meet and talk with both of them. Martin Sheen must be one of the nicest guys in Hollywood. And Jennifer is much kinder and more sensitive than the media would have you believe.

I searched for jobs and worked a couple of temp jobs during the rest of the summer. But when the school year started in mid-August, I went back to substitute teaching.

From the first day of school through the day before Thanksgiving break, I did a long-term substitute teaching job for a teacher who was on maternity leave. I taught English and AVID. I love AVID, and, because I do, I’ve been considering going back to school to become a regular teacher so I can teach it regularly.

AVID is a college prep program for kids who don’t have the family, cultural, and academic background for it. Our job is to give them the foundation to get into college, to succeed in college, and to become professionals as adults. (http://www.avidonline.org)

But in September, I began to experience the pain again. After a few weeks of building pain I found it interfering with my teaching. But I continued partly because I didn’t want to let the kids down and partly because I needed the money.

Because I was teaching, I had to turn down another call for a film, Seraphim Falls, with Liam Neeson and Pierce Brosnan. I was very disappointed about that. However, what I really want are speaking roles, not just extra roles.

And now here I am on winter break, needing money, still hurting, and trying to decide what to do about work.

PROSPERITY AND ABUNDANCE:
This certainly wasn’t the year for prosperity in my life. Enough about that. I'm looking forward to an increase in prosperity soon.

HOME:
I had to leave the apartment I started the year in because I couldn’t afford it when I wasn’t working. Then I moved around some, and in August I finally landed in the apartment I'm in now. I'm sharing with an apartment-mate named Richard. I'll move again when I can afford to.

SPIRITUAL:
I drifted away from my spirituality a lot. I only attended church 4 or 5 times the entire year, and I didn’t do much reading or spiritual work, either. It was a mistake. I really got off track. I won’t say any more about it.

FRIENDS/COMMUNITY:
I still miss the kinds of friendships I had when I lived in Seattle. However, a logical voice within reminds me that it took me many years there to develop the kinds of friendships I had. I’ve known some of those people for 25 years. I’ve only been here 4 years. I just need to keep getting to know people, and eventually I'll have a close group of friends here, too. I also need to be more consistent about spending time with the same people. I think of the meditation group that I sat with nearly every week for years (with most of the same people).

My friend and former sister-in-law Barbara came back into my life more fully this fall. She is healing from a second bout with cancer (lung cancer this time). She lives on the peninsula across the Sound from Seattle, but we’re much closer via e-mail than I am with nearly anyone in person. As you read this, please stop and send out a prayer or positive thought for her, for her healing.

AWAKENING, GROWTH, AND LEARNING:
I don’t think I did any classes, workshops, or other events this year. That is extremely unusual for me. I didn’t even read much. Enough of that topic.

RECREATION:
Thinking about this brings up a lot of sadness in me because nearly everything I’ve done that I’d call recreation, I did with Antoinette – except for watching DVDs. Besides that, she was the one who kept the record of what we did. So last year I used her calendar to remember the activities we’d shared.

So, from memory … We went to quite a few restaurants, as usual. (In case you don’t know or don’t recall, Antoinette is a concierge and gets free meals and free activities a lot as a perk of her job.) Unfortunately, TN interfered with my enjoyment of some meals. I especially recall how much in pain I was Valentine’s Day evening when we went to a great restaurant, and I could hardly eat anything.

We visited many of the Santa Fe museums, including some for my first time. Highlights of those: We went to a Georgia O’Keeffe and Andy Warhol exhibit at the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum and a Carnavale exhibit at one of the museums.

We saw the Maria Benitez Flamenco Dance Company again and attended one of the concerts of the Santa Fe Chamber Music Festival again. Everything I’ve mentioned so far was free because of her job. That’s all I remember that we did together. I'm sure she’d remember more.

Then I went to a folk and Celtic music concert with a ticket she gave me after we broke up.

Of course I really liked Into the West and eagerly watched it every week during the summer.

Movies: We saw some of my least favorite movies I’ve ever seen – the remake of The Stepford Wives and Bewitched, for example. The only ones we saw in a movie theater that I recall I really liked were Must Love Dogs and a movie about kids learning to do ballroom dancing. I liked a lot more that I saw on DVD.

And TV: I have some new favorite programs after several of my favorites were cancelled at the end of last season. I really like Ghost Whisperer, Commander in Chief, and Related. I liked 2 summer series: Wildfire and Beautiful People (with Daphne Zuniga, daughter of someone I knew at Starr King School for Ministry in Berkeley long ago; I met Daphne when she was very young). I recommend them if you haven’t seen them. Holdovers that stand out to me are Everwood, Grey’s Anatomy, and Gilmore Girls. I’ve been disappointed with Desperate Housewives this year. It’s just too macabre for me.

I know there was more that I don’t remember right now.

I don’t think I did anything socially with anyone other than Antoinette. I won’t go into it except to say that my health interfered a lot.

Most of my social contact has been via e-mail or online groups. I know. Cyberlife isn’t the same as real life. That’s what I’ve had, though. I can still do that when I'm not feeling well.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:
First, when I got very little acknowledgement on my birthday, I realized that it’s important to me to remember people on their special day. So, I’ve resolved to send birthday greetings to everyone I care about whose date of birth I know. That means that before long I'll be contacting people I know about their birth dates (through a website called Birthday Alarm). If I know you personally and don’t send you a request, that’s because I already know your birth date.

Then, a month or 2 ago someone I barely know introduced me to an idea he calls Random Acts of Love (like Random Acts of Kindness). What it means to me is that I don’t make it enough of a point to express love (in whatever form) to people and intend to find ways to do that. Acknowledging birthdays is one way. In addition, I'll be acknowledging my love for people at random in whatever way my intuition suggests. I'm not planning this. Who, what, when, where, and how will be given to me by my guidance/intuition at the appropriate times. I just create the intention to express more love in appropriate ways.

ON THE INTERNET:
I’ve established my presence on the internet in a number of ways and on a variety of sites. I invite you to take a look at any or all of them. If you’re a member of any of the sites, I encourage you to link to me or invite me to be your friend. Here are some of my places on the internet:

This Is My Life (my personal blog):
Blogger http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
Yahoo Groups http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThisIsMyLife (Sign up here to receive it via e-mail, or else send an e-mail with no message to ThisIsMyLife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)
Live Journal http://www.livejournal.com/~ohanamd

Networking sites:
Care2 http://my.care2.com/ohanamd2
Powerful Intentions http://ohanamd.powerfulintentions.com
My Space http://www.myspace.com/ohanamd
Friendster http://www.friendster.com/profiles/ohanamd
Tribe http://people.tribe.net/ohanamd
Yahoo 360 http://360.yahoo.com/profile-sdizdlQ.c6fsEzr5Y2G4
MSN Spaces http://spaces.msn.com/members/ohanamd

My Life in Acting (my acting blog):
Blogger http://mylifeinacting.blogspot.com
Yahoo Groups http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MyLifeinActing (Sign up here to receive it via e-mail, or else send an e-mail with no message to MyLifeinActing-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)
Live Journal http://www.livejournal.com/~mjgsf

Conscious Heart’s Quest (my relationship seeking blog):
Blogger http://consciousheart.blogspot.com
Yahoo Groups http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CHQuest (Sign up here to receive it via e-mail, or else send an e-mail with no message to CHQuest-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)
Live Journal http://www.livejournal.com/~consciousheart

The Heart of the Matter (my coaching blog):
Blogger http://theheartofthematter.blogspot.com
Yahoo Groups http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheHeartoftheMatter (Sign up here to receive it via e-mail, or else send an e-mail with no message to TheHeartoftheMatter-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)
Live Journal http://www.livejournal.com/~thotm

Awakening Spiritually (my ministry blog):
Blogger http://ohanamd.blogspot.com
Yahoo Groups http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AwakeningSpiritually (Sign up here to receive it via e-mail, or else send an e-mail with no message to AwakeningSpiritually-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)
Live Journal http://www.livejournal.com/~awakeningnow

Conscious Dating (my blog about … guess):
Blogger http://mdconsciousdating.blogspot.com
Yahoo Groups http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ConsciousDating (Sign up here to receive it via e-mail, or else send an e-mail with no message to ConsciousDating-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)
Live Journal http://www.livejournal.com/~consdat

And there are more coming!

IN CONCLUSION:
I'm sorry I don’t have a lot of happy chatty things to say. It just hasn’t been the greatest of years, and those of you who know me can attest that I tell the truth about what’s going on with me.

So, here comes the part that’s about cocreating reality for the coming year: As I say every year, I invite you to join with me in holding the faith that life is wonderful, no matter how it may be appearing in any given moment, that everything is unfolding for the highest benefit of all beings, and that the only thing that keeps us from experiencing all of God’s abundance is our own consciousness. May we all eagerly step through whatever doorways appear in our paths, knowing that what will appear on the other side will be magnificence.

Another year is on its way. 2006 … Can you believe it? Please join with me in bringing love, peace, kindness, compassion, health, happiness, prosperity, abundant blessings, and amazing advances in awakening and growth to our planet.

In holiday spirits,
Michael